Tell Me Why

No, this isn't an ode dedicated to any member of the Backstreet Boys, but rather the evolution of things students can and will get away with as the education level rises.  And yes, this is going to be in delicious list style.

1)  Preschool.  Here you can do pretty much whatever you want, and usually it involves you and another infantile victim.  Stealing toys away instead of sharing, throwing sand all over the floor and into people's faces from that cool sand-water box thing, and the typical kicking and screaming.  Oh, and I mustn't forget the occasional swapping of naughty, secret words the grown-ups in our life have shared.  Much like candy i suppose.  And it's not like the higher-educations where you get a detention or a paper yellow triangle on the corner of your desk (fuck you, Mr. Brockway!); no, it's actually a game--push the limits of patience of those sorry supervisors without breaking them.  My mom knows this game all too well.

2)  Kindergarten.  Much the same premise, except you actually have to do work in order to advance so there is an incentive to limit your tyranny.  A horrible, welcome-to-reality incentive.  And the sitting!  I believe it is at this time where the government starts passing out amphetamines (much like candy I suppose) to those little tykes who just can't sit still, or in my case can't stop standing on his desk.  I miss preschool so much.

3)  Elementary School.  By now they expect you to know how to act like a person, but the problem is no one knows what that means.  If our moms can act one way and that kid humping the tree on the playground another and those really tall kids hanging around the dumpster smoking joints yet another...might as well give up trying to learn on your own.  So you revert back to kindergarten and leave it up to the teachers.  If that doesn't work?  Brace yourself for the looming walk to the principal's office.  Despite the 'pal' part of his name he is definitely not your friend, and unlike the nice doctors he does not pass out candy--but you have no choice but to hang onto every single word he says.  Count yourself lucky if you can breathe long enough to see your way back out of that big oak door.

4)  I'm skipping middle school and high school for the time being.  I'll include it when I update it later.  Read on and you'll find out why.

5)  College.  Just like the prices of whatever drug predilection you have, the level of possible skulking varies from region to population to teachers (region to ghetto to drug dealer).  My prior college, James Madison University, will have teachers breathing down your neck in the smaller classes, but once you start increasing the population almost anything goes.  The laptops come out, the phones never get a rest, and at one point I saw two people throw a foam football around the lecture room--i believe they were twenty or so feet apart.
    But at the community college level?  Well, where do you think I'm typing this?  I figured a class as complex as Fluid Mechanics and Hydraulics would chew you out for anything out of line, particularly for blatant laptop use, but then I remember that I'm in a school that precedes the word "community" and I stop wondering.  I don't even think it's possible to see the principal: do we even have one?  Things I still don't know despite having gone to college for almost a year and a half.

After Today, I Promise I'll Only Write Us to the Wind

Today I picked up my best friend from work, skipped my 5:30 Statistics class and went out for a nice dinner at the local Chipotle's knock-off (Moe's), afterwards parking in a relatively isolated spot at the community college, locking her in my car with her phone in my hand (so she couldn't call for help) dropping it against the ground as she cried inside the car and begged me to let her out as I danced around her, crying from time to time, wailing about why she would leave me after all of our time planning for escape.

I always thought that by the time I got to that point in a relationship I would finally be able to fully console with rap like Eminem's and be able to spout my own lyrics.

But right now I kind of just want to cry and not write a single thing about it for the rest of my life.

Just Within Inertia's Hold

Einstein once mused "All of science is nothing more than the refinement of everyday thinking."

I always used to just accept all the quotations of the world.  As I grew older I lamented not listening, learning exactly what it meant to believe they were true.  At that point I was saved as I finally discovered how smart I was--that I could apply them all by myself.

I have always envied how carefree and happy people seemed to be.  I have that attention--deficit--can't--fucking-listen disorder, the one thing I can fully blame on my parents..  And that's enough censure placed for me, honestly. So, being socially weird, I enjoyed being with people, people of all kinds, as they kept me sane and reminded me what impulses of mine should be appropriate.  They kept me (more) normal yet gave me hope that one day I'll be a real boy--able to stand up to those who intimidate me.

I really shouldn't have masturbated so much.  I'd say I'm fucked by now but...that would be a lie.

Eh.

So how is this relevant...ah, I remember now.  I remembered I said before that I learned everything about the social codes of inter- and intra-personalities by observation and experimentation of the human species and culturing myself with books.  Being around everyone so often kept those skills sharp, so obviously my mood became fragile and distant as I started losing contact with the people I knew.

When I finally went to college at James Madison University last year my mind became so open--very much like the other nine-thousand freshmen.  Unfortunately, my opening was more of a concussion than a concise lobotomy, with mild side effects such as depression and what seems like a failed attempt at being schizophrenic.  I wish my brain would be something that fits into a diagnosis so I can actually get help.  A contributor to my brain damage was how I started losing people I had known so well, which had me lose touch with all those social rules the world seems to bend around (time is relative and bends around the person!) since I apparently taken them for granted.

Though for some reason I did not mope about it, really; instead I tried learning about too much to count and building up some intelligence.  Think of it as peering through of an elevator (representative of being a naturally smart bull-shitter) and realizing the only way to survive is to suck it up, build your strength and your world together from nothing and run through the glass walls onto the stairs (representative of pick your ass up and make yourself worth something for once).  If you don't?  Inevitably you will be seized by the shadows of suicide, the curtains of claustrophobia, the perilous parachute thing that your second grade class would play the game of 'toss it up and down please, children'.

So what Einstein is saying is that everyone speaks of and around the same principles and concepts, and that there are as many ways to look at them as there are coded neurons in our brain.  I had to build my perception ("train" my neurons, if you will) and the world back up from the abyss of depression, and what I found and am still discovering is that I was absolutely right about everything.  But I would never apply it to myself--only others were worthy of a full concept of self.

So throughout my journey towards what i hope to be the ultimate reality I've found that everything correlates.  For instance, neuroscience has buckets of truth within it's research--it describes the exact phenomena which we already talk and muse about but in terms so majestic and microscopic it makes me weep in revelry.  If you're curious, one very understandable and widely applicable concept is that of "neuroplasticity"; you won't be disappointed.

I personally suggest to everyone to study, read, and question to no end to unearth the secrets within your brain and among our world which will only make you happier, healthier and wealthier.  I've discovered so much in such a small amount of time about a vast variety of topics--the most important of which is that wisdom and advice is not something to be selfish about.  We are all humans, we all struggle with the same problems over and over again, and if we continue to keep our depressions and curiosities to ourselves we will inevitably fall as a race.  That's the 'or else'--be wary.



                   "The life of the individual has meaning only insofar as it aids in making the life of every living thing nobler and more beautiful"

Worthwhile Words to the Weary

Depression I'm guessing's
the reason I'm pressing
so hard for
that first
Damn
impression

But what about oppression?
(yeah, what about?)
Supressin' that obsession
humans got
with trying to be something
they can't be

I know you see it
feel it
perceive it
believe it
seeping through the masses
creeping up your feet
making you believe in what you can't defeat.

Close Encounters Of The First Blog

So, here’s my first blog ever; I guess you could call it an event. I don’t have much to say really—cold feet, you could say.




So, you need to know a bit about me, right? Well, I’m not really sure If i have a medical problem but I’m pretty sure I’m borderline schizophrenic. But as of late I haven’t really gotten out much. Factors such as my ex-girlfriend, personal post-flunking out of college struggle and my never-ending depression haven’t particularly jumped my enthusiasm. As such no, I have not been able to pick myself up and become one of these “people” that our world is inhabited by. Though I wouldn’t know, really…it has always appeared that I just cannot put my actual personal self into perspective ever. Oh yeah, I’m ADHD, shaken with partial Autism and topped off with parents I don’t think I will ever understand. So seriously, take that to whatever extreme that little man-judge in your head carries you. However, if you are one of those who are ignorant to such things—you know who you are, please don’t go into that denial shit—then please, do everyone a favor and go do some Google searches. We’re people too.




Not that I ever patronize people, excluding myself—remember how I told you I can’t classify myself as a people? Honestly, half of my time is spent criticizing myself and the other half is spent reveling in the sweet results of his critical bouts; this actually ties in to one of my theories on the amygdala and the split-brain phenomena. What? Really though, I’m one of those guys who got a bit obsessed with certain chemicals in college and decided to go on a noble journey to figure out how to truly perceive the world and eventually be the one to save it and so got so embedded in neuroscience and psychology and Buddhism that he couldn’t let himself find a reason to hate anyone—even himself—because he always has a reason to accept everything any one does even if that reason is all people are treated as equally worthy of living.




E-mail me if you want more droning phrases wrought with timeless wisdom.




So as you gathered, I’m out on a great mission. Through all of my thinking and theories many teachers and others have referred to my apparent brilliance which I, shrugging off pride with abashment, have used purely to motivate my self and my thoughts, producing more apparent brilliance. It’s like the Circular Flow of Goods and Services, for those of you who know anything about economics. I’m not finding a whole lot here at the local community college but that doesn’t mean I have given up looking. So far a really cool psychology professor and a lot of people who don’t know what they’re doing here are all I’ve found. I’m mainly using this as an opportunity to get my feet on the solid, sane surface of Earth with definite plan to leapfrog over to another University—despite being a community college there is a bounty of transfer programs to nearly any school in the state. Where is my college, precisely? Lynchburg, Virginia, U.S. of A.—my current area of residence. But not for too much longer—I have a forest to move into and a whole lot of thinking and truths to settle and set into motion.




Okay, three body paragraphs isn’t bad. I’m glad I finally started blogging—I had wanted to do it during college last year but couldn’t get around to it. My second attempt I realized that it wasn’t as difficult as I imagined it. So seriously, if anyone here has an interest in blogging, a burden of angst they need to regurgitate or just plain enjoys writing I encourage you to try it, if only for a post or two. I’m sure some of you might be surprised how loud your voice resounds among the internet. Really—what have you got to lose?