To Whom it may concern;

                My name is Patrick McCorkle.  I want to be the most intelligent man in the world, the smartest to ever live, and the one who changes the world like no man before him.  I’m starting to get a pretty good grasp on how and why but as for how I’m getting there…well, let’s just say another paragraph is more appropriate.

                I strive too hard, too far.  My mania is elaborate and my depression more still and cold than stone.  I will not let myself continue unless everything is as it should be.  Obviously, and I say this because nearly everyone I’ve known personally has been just like this, but my expectations are always highest towards myself, yet I will never let myself be truly happy.  Recent events and “intel” have made me realize that there is much, much, much, much more to perfection and elaboration than I ever thought possible.  But like every paper and test I grazed by in school I have realized there are allowable cuts to be taken which will get me to the same end.  In the end, I’ve realized, it is not my own judgement I am trying to please but the much simpler minds of society.  If you give them what they think they want.  The shortcut, the trick, is getting them to want what you need them to want.

                Oh, but this goes against everything Buddhism has ever pronounced?  “The cause of all suffering is wants;” or something similar.  Yes, I could (and have!) dismiss that everything i have wanted to do, from change the world to create a controlled-schizophrenic mental progression to even stopping having sex for the rest of my life is all just a delusion in my head (thanks Einstein!) that I can just as easily suppress as I can bring it up.  It’s easy to bring it up because why?  Because I cannot stop thinking about it.  It haunts me to no end.  My thinking will not stop.  I have given in, but rather embraced than miserably accepted, and flowed with my thoughts until it made my world quite literally feel like I am tripping acid.  It’s all very fluid.  I know my thoughts, I know how they transition from one to the next, and that only gives me greater power over where I will lead them.  Much like jesus, or moses.  Those men persisted until they were given marvelous hallucinations and delusions (a schizophrenic’s dream, really) which would result in a determination to change the world like no other.  But that wasn’t true self-motivation, they relied on everyone and all the suffering they’ve ever known and created their own fresh reality.  That moment of lucidity is the sweetest in the world.  I know—I’ve tripped my fair share of drugs.  Ecstasy was miraculous, never in my life could I get over the rise to pleasure and wholesomeness that that Meth-derivative doth supply.  And LSD…yes.  Seeing your entire world change, seeing everyone like you’ve only wished you could see them, and seeing all of your problems, miscommunications—whether you have the chance to overcome them or to purely examine them—is THE SHIT.  I’m doing it again; I’m just more wary because of my current mental condition, and the backload of information I’m holding.  And what If I have the greatest revelation in the world but will not be able to describe it once it is through?  Things I worry about on a daily basis.  I lament having my thinking pass yet despise the time with which it barrages me.

I want to be:

Clean-cut, fresh.  Always good looking.  But never looking, always looked for.

Phenomenal.  Extra-ordinary.  Unusual.  Atypical.  Beyond the norm.

I want to say “fleeting” but I’m not sure of the meaning.

Generally badass.

Unrestrained.  Limitless.  Undefined, not even by myself.

A really goddamn fast reader.  Much to Jefferson’s chagrin.

Pleased by myself,

yet excited by others

others I choose

who stack up

who’ve earned it

Busy.

                Yet free.

Rules

                There are rules and laws which my thinking bends around.  These keep me within the bounds of sanity, away from severe fallacies of reasoning, and can accelerate and decelerate my thinking.  It took a while to fully accept some rules—the main ones really.  These are derived from three main sources: Neuroscience, Buddhism and Einstein.  Disrespectively, here is what I’ve learned:

Buddhism:  All suffering is derived from wants.  I’ve inferred many, many things from this.  Because I know that everyone has a different view on things—such as one person wanting pistachio ice cream, their favorite flavor, and another who cannot stand the taste and so wants to avoid it—I contracted that not only must this be true but that it is valuable information for helping the world save itself.  “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”  Everything is a want; atoms wanted to form tissue and life—it just fell together that way.  Life wanted to, naturally, survive.  To survive meant to have lots of sex, which meant the men wanted to find women which produced a brand of suffering caused by competition.  There’s another key point: competition.  That could be the all-encompassing word for Buddhism’s principles.  One brain “circuit”—which I had an intense vision about while sailing on THC—is pulling against another, creating the illusion of suffering, which isn’t really suffering.  It only seems thus because it is a much different, much more convoluted and internal consciousness than the peace of mind we usually carry around with us.  To sedate us.  It baffles me how people walk around so ignorantly—while I may have been self-centered all my life I certainly have devoted all of my energy towards figuring out other people and questioning every aspect of information which came upon my attention.  [All while shrugging off any comprehension other people may have fed my mind, either by crying to myself at home (or to another person if somehow that situation arose) or just patiently waiting it out, a hollow shell staring into the abyss with slightly less self-consciousness than before, waiting for my brain to process the information so I could think straight again.]  It wasn’t until college that I began questioning why my brain and consequently my body (who is only slave to my mind, something this self-help book opened my mind towards) reacted and functioned as it did.  This threw me into depression, but I was still not crestfallen—I questioned why I was here, why I was lower-functioning yet still discovering new things and aspects about everything.  I began increasing my intelligence faster than I ever have in my life.  But I knew why, because I always know why.  Not completely, but I know the chain of events through my navigation of the external world which either stimulated or circumcised my mental states.  My ISAT teacher led me through too many loops of thoughts, thanks to a very simple principle: change.  Change is slow, change is natural, change is imminent, and change never stops.  This led me into considering time, and an extremely beautiful quote (to me, at the very least) of his touched me and expanded my knowledge so much: “to whom do you owe your time?”  I could literally relate this to everything.  Whilst traveling through the human realm on Lysergic Diethylamide Acid I literally saw Einstein’s theory of relativity; my suitemates were in my room, all smoking marijuana out of my window, One of them started talking to me and I saw multiple “times,” or personalities, reactions, conversations! As silhouettes to the right and left of him.  When it came time for him to speak all but one faded away and I saw his one voice.  From this I inferred two major concepts: That the brain has multiple “personalities” with which it could send out (not just in conversations, as I might get to later) and that each of those “personalities” has its own unique “time” which it bends around—rules, you might say; social codes, processing, the amount of information and brainpower being used to fuel the body and tonalities of his speech.  It is too beautiful a concept to completely describe now, and nearly impossible to exhibit through mere words.

                I will say another thing: I know through Buddhism again that we have absolutely no power over our fate—physically speaking, this is due to the fact that electricity and atoms dominate all of our brain and body functions (thus fate), and it is only when you can harness the smallest particles in the world that you can harness your own fate.  Jumping a few steps further I can explain how everything we do and think is judged by the “path of least resistance,” as I like to call it.  Basically, the pathways with which our brain is most easily stimulated, where the action potentials are sustained longer than others (where dopamine is most prevalent!) are the ones that are inevitably going to be used.  And this ties into the ‘social’ theory of relativity.  Einstein created the theory, and although he may have meant it to describe more outward phenomena I have applied it too concisely to interpersonal relationships, the mechanics of psychology and other observational fields, and in this case how the ‘time’ of a person’s reactions are purely based on the firing rate of neurons.  There are multiple different reactions a brain may use while replying within a conversation, but the moment he begins his action his brain has finally settled down and chosen the path of least resistance.  Hopefully this makes sense.  Perhaps a tab of acid might facilitate your comprehension.

Neuroscience:  Neuroscience started it all, and was with me all the way, guiding me and providing further proof, as I branched into Buddhism, Einstein, my teacher’s musings of time, change, interpersonal relationships, and exactly what “time” you are on, as well as others!  People persons, he said, do not exist.  I can concur—it is very easy to change your perception of them so that they look like puppets guided by the hand of society and those they are speaking too.  But of course everyone is a puppet, controlled by atoms and electricity and magnetism—but you could certainly say these “people persons” are more soulless and “unconscious” than the others.

“It appears therefore more natural to think of physical reality as a four dimensional existence, instead of, as hitherto, the evolution of a three dimensional existence.”

                                                                                                                                -Albert Einstein

“The past and the future are equally real”

“Depression I’m guessin’s the reason I’m pressin’ so hard for that first damn impression.

And what about oppression? 

                                (yeah, what about?)

Suppressin’ that obsession that humans got with tryin’ to be somethin’ they can’t be

                                                                                                (bein’ somethin’ they can’t be)

I know you see it, perceive it, believe it,

creepin’ down to your feet, seeping through the masses, makin’ you believe in what you can’t defeat”

Terminology

Depression:

Impression:

Oppression:

Suppression:

Obsession:

“Because the voice inside of my head and indebted to my words is built undeniably from everything society has brought me to experience, I have found the easiest way to impress my self is through equally societal arguments”

                                                                                                -Me, just a few seconds ago

What pisses me off so much is that everything I’m just now learning about the world is what everyone already seems to know.  I’ve been in the dark my entire life and came out of the mental “closet” finally thanks to drugs and college (and Kara!) and started my slow rise to sanity and wholesomeness from the most quintessential base, and using the dream that I could change the world and make everyone see to keep me going even faster.  But now it seems pointless.

What do I have that no one else does?  There are a billion better men than i.  I can’t even start my homework unless I’m under pressure, and I certainly can’t stick to a simple exercising regiment of walking for more than a week.

I’ve always held back from thinking I’m special, and now I know why.   I’m a pessimist.  But what good is it to hold myself in high esteem?  It is all a delusion in the end, and pride only arises from personalities which are defined by society and other people. 

I guess I want to just be defined by myself; I believe that’s how it’s always been.  I’d really rather live alone in the perfect reality than continue to put forth the futile effort to conform and accept a puny human timeline.

Fuck bitches man, you know?

Why should I keep going?  Why should I continue to try and learn everything?  I really doubt I can help the world.  It would take too much effort, and right now I haven’t an inkling of what I would need.

Hence why I want to go live in the forest.  I don’t know what it could accomplish precisely, but I know it would only prepare me and evolve me into the person I need to be to conquer whatever dreams I decide to realize.

I know that anything in between will not be worth it.  Men will rise, and I will be forgotten in the end as all are.  It is not worth it to educate and lead unless I fully shift the face of the earth  and the universe as every human being sees it and themselves. 

Otherwise I’m just going to frolic around in the forest for the rest of my life with Kara.  Equally fulfilling in my opinion.

Maybe I hold back because I know I’m not special.  I’m just a human.  I may be “child prodigy” material but many before me have advanced and established more brilliance than I may ever accomplish.  I have done nothing with my life.  All I have is an above-average intelligence.  Donating myself to science seems to be the only worthy contribution I could make at this point.

It’s like I’m learning how to teach society how to break through all the fallacies of reasoning and perception we’ve wrongfully been brought up with and taught.  I am a bitch to following the rules and social codes of society (let’s just say thanks to my dad—an accountant—and the rest of family) so I know almost all of them, and everything I know bends around them—you know, the neurochemical filters.  It’s my guilt.  I despise it, yet I know that if I do decide to fix the world it will be a godsend.  Dwelling in the shit of the world rather than thriving in ignorance.

You’re kidding me, right?

“EVERYONE IS AUTISTIC”

You see it, right?

Ramble on

My brilliance is only on the inside…which is made of the same stuff as on the outside…which is what caused me to develop my brilliance on the inside…

So many murders nowadays; hypothesis: we need to stop going to the media and becoming short-sighted towards social trends and mandated behaviors and perceptions.

Motivation is only a pill away, or a lifetime of suffering.  It is your choice.

                Wait, this just in.  A third option!  Get all your suffering out early by staying indebted to a girl you actually have no debt to for as long as it takes; then, once you realize the true(r) meaning of the world and all you have come to be and perceive live in the forest for a time until you are truly ready to become a societal ninja, armed with a mind wrought with a brilliance no artificial enhancement could ever match.

                                Just make sure you give her free rides everywhere.  That’s like candy except better because it will produce sex instead of suffering from having your dignity ripped out.

                                                Genius!

How do you get your anger out?

Oh, the life of a two-brained mind.